I am writing to you because you are taking your sweet time coming through. I want to assume it is because Ozwald Boateng [or Ozzie B as I call him] is still doing the fitting on your Knight in Shining Armour suit. I also realize that it will take a while to develop those ‘I can protect Mighty’ muscles too. Furthermore I’m sure you know that Knights no longer use horses…so you might want to reconsider transportation.
Peradventure all of that is done and you are merely stuck in traffic. Before you get here though, here is a ‘little’ list I have put together of ‘suggestions’ to make our time together fantabulous:
1. I will watch football or soccer with you if you watch X Factor or American idol with me. I think that is only fair.
2. Please if you must put the toilet seat up…put it down when you have finished. Its not rocket science…up…down. Thanks so much in advance
3. As your future loving wife I have needs…please make allowance for them. These needs include and are not limited to; a walk in closet and a room for my shoes.
4. That I change my hair every 6 weeks is no reason for you to panic. No it is not a sign of underlying schizophrenia and I resent that inference. Do you see Jay Z complaining? Ehn? So what is the problem? Look I am a starr I have to constantly reinvent myself. Thanks so much for understanding.
5. A lie, untruth, black or white…all are the same. DONT DO EEEEET. Thanks.
6. It is in your own best interest i.e. for your own good, that you don’t ask me any serious question before 12pm on any day [especially Monday –Friday]. In fact no question at all, maybe you shouldn’t even speak to me. Ok so you are my husband you need to speak to me…but please caffeine first.
7. Forgetting my birthday is a sin punishable by death silence. Trust me, you wont like this.
8. Being romantic is not telling me that my food is nice, say it with flowers, gifts…you get my drift.
9. Wearing the same shirt for one week is not being green….unless that is the colour you want your unwashed clothes to turn.
10. One glass of wine is medicinal…that doesn’t mean you should be able to swim in the said glass. Alcoholics need not apply.
There is more, but I think you need time to digest this one.
See you soon!