These last few days I have been in a bleargh mood. Can’t be bothered, can’t be asked. On the surface everything seems to be going well. Work is fine; rent is paid, even got some money in the bank. One might even argue that life was good. So what then is the problem? It’s just one part of my life that seems to be going round and round in circles; you guessed it, the love life. Sigh.
I’m not going to moan too much about it, I hope. But I started looking at old blog posts on my personal blog and I’ve done a remix of a post I wrote 3 weeks ago. Only because it encouraged me and made me smile…so I hope it does the same for you….no pressure:
I have decided to quit looking at my own problems or issues and have decided to look around me and see how I can help. The joy I have felt in these last couple of days has caused me to use the word amazing more times than I should lol. Seriously though when we look inside thinking about our problems, we begin to magnify them unwittingly until they become like these huge mountains and we just get depressed cos we think there is no way we are ever gonna overcome.
I spoke to my dad yesterday morning and he said ‘oh how’s your emotional life’. I’m like dad I’ve left it in God’s hands and to be honest I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m so excited now cos i feel God is smiling at me. So many times I have annoyed God by worrying. Oh Lord pleasee weee i marreeeeeeee, please my jobbbbbbbbbbb, please dis boiiiiiiiii, please this geellllll, please no moniiiiii, please my moniiii….get a grip woman!
If God could save me from a plane crash with all limbs intact then Esther please…what can He not do for you, what can He not give to you???
You know I’m in the place right now where i don’t even care if i get married or not. Shock, Horror! Mumsi must not read this sheee weee jest faint! But I’m serious. You know why? Because if God has saved me in such a miraculous way and I believe He is guiding and guarding me then I must also trust His plan for my life. Now that plan may include a man or it might not but whatever that plan is I know it is His best plan.
Wow….how many years has it taken me to get to this point? Years and years of crying, of weeping of drawing my self worth from what people thought of me, from what men thought of me. Oh Lord I am so sorry it took so long. I can only pray that this breakthrough lasts until it becomes habitual, instinctive almost. Where my first action is to trust God; no questions just do it.
It’s weird because I shy away from talking about my accident. Maybe because I don’t want to be known as the ‘plane crash girl’. Also because I feel like I had nothing to do with it. It was all God plain and simple and for a long time I felt guilty. Like people more adequate or more deserving than I had died and yet I was alive. Not just alive but its like God held me up as His testimony. I didn’t deserve it, I still don’t deserve it but I have accepted it and now I can’t help but feel like maybe I am now ready. Ready to embrace what was said to me 4 years ago in October…maybe you were saved for a purpose.
I still have no idea why, maybe it was just to keep on living, maybe it was just not my time…maybe there’s a reason…
All I know is I’m so grateful, so overwhelmed.
Question why has it taken 4 years for my heart to finally embrace this fully? I dunno
So many things going through my head
Only one constant thought…
I am grateful…my heart is overflowing with gratititude….
I feeee like cwyingggg
But I wont
Thank You God
You are soooo awesome!
Ok, so that was me 3 weeks ago. How I’ve managed to flip from that gratitude to this bleargh mood is beyond me. Thank God for His faithfulness though and that He is consistent through all of my inconsistencies.
For that I am eternally grateful.
Have a great weekend,