Since the first ROE video hit the site I’ve got various people asking me what my own views are on the rules of engagement. How many days should guys wait before they call? Should women make the first move? What do you think about rules in general?
Let me start by saying….I hate rules. Tell me I can’t do something and I ask why? There must be solid reasons and ‘because it’s just not done’ is not one of them. Tell me why, tell me how…let it make sense.
However in my life I have seen certain things. One of these is that guys who ‘wait’ before they call you, following a rule are usually just game players. If a guy was into you and wanted to speak to you he would. Its immature I think for a guy to wait 3 days just so he doesn’t seem to be eager. What’s wrong with showing interest? Such people treat relationships as a power tussle…who’s gonna fall first? Unnecessary. Life is too short. If you’re into a girl and she’s not….move on…no hard feelings.
Girls if a guy calls you and you’re into the guy but you don’t pick up because you are playing a game….let me say this nicely….Grow Up. If you treat love as a game….somebody is going to lose.
Now what do I think about girls who make the first move? I admire the courage it takes to walk up to a guy and make random conversation. Could I do it? No. It’s hard for a guy I think it must be harder for a girl….yes? No? Whatever the case may be I don’t think I could do it. Like what if the guy looks at you blankly, or says ‘please don’t disturb me I have a girlfriend’. Haha girls could we really take some of the attitude we dish if the roles were reversed? I couldn’t. That’s why I at least try to be civil (I’m gonna get called out for this one lol).
As I was saying, I’ve seen girls make the first move and then the guy starts acting all slick with it, feeling like he doesn’t have to do any work after all she’s already into him. In the one scenario I’ve actually seen the two go on to become a couple even to the stage of professing love. However something was missing, it always looked like the girl was working harder than the guy in the relationship. When he did wrong she was quick to forgive until his sins escalated to the point that even the guy had to say ‘you know what, this isn’t working’.
Maybe that’s just the relationships I’ve seen. Maybe relationships do work when the girl makes the first move. Maybe just maybe I’m not cool enough, maybe even just maybe, I’m old fashioned *shrug* who knows?
So from the foregoing you can see why this ‘women making the first move’ business is not really for me.
Next should you give a guy who asks your number? I can only use myself as an example. First of all if you can’t play the ‘I have a boyfriend’ card then I don’t really see what the big deal is in giving a guy your number. If he doesn’t look homeless or crazy then why not? Even if you’re not interested you can’t have too many friends. Worst case scenario you stop picking up the phone if he begins to show crazy tendencies. This isn’t CSI or whatever where the guy can trace your home address from your phone number (I hope) so what’s the big deal? Just don’t pick up or ask him to stop calling.
But don’t listen to me. At the end of the day do what works for you. There are no hard or fast rules to life, love or living. Rules might work for you or your relationships might be the exception to the rules. At the end of the day all you can do is aim to be the best person you can be and hope that you find somebody who accepts you for you…..warts and all.
Photo Credit: africa / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Ibukun Onitiju
April 4, 2011
Very Nice post.. As a guy, I wouldn’t mind if a girl makes the first move, but it can negatively impact the relationship. Firstly, the guy may not pull his weight again as u said I.e. Taking the girl for granted etc, but also the girl can start to feel insecure. So if the guys makes a sincere mistake, the girl can wrongly assume that it was because she made the first move (forgetting that the average guy has massive ego). Girls love to be chased, it affirms their relevance and gives them a sense of worth, and rightly so, and guys love to chase.. The predatorial insticnt to run after, capture, make mine, protect is always there.. So for the benefit of both our make up, let the guy chase.. (He gets satisfaction and fulfilment doing it), let the girl be chased (her baeuty is exponentially increased as a result)
ineffablewater
April 4, 2011
Your views are very interesting and very personal. I agree that the girl making the first move might end up with her doing the most of the work, even in a situation where she admits she likes him first…and this is personal, sometimes it does blow up in one’s face…
George Ikamba
April 5, 2011
1) Rules will be broken even if we set them ourselves! Every situation is different and no 2 people are the same… even if we set our own or even follow our friends rules each person we meet is different from the previous and so following a set of rules may restrict us and prevent us from developing a fruitful relationship with that person – even as friends, especially ‘games’ as you mentioned. BUT!!! certain rules or boundaries are important or you could cause yourself lots of problems… for instance giving your number to just anyone (lol @ the ‘i he doesn’t look crazy or homeless’ comment) if you are not interested then DONT do it, unless you explain you just want to be ‘friends’ (in most cases the guy will still take your number but not call, or be cold and blunt and change his mind and just not take it ha!) it gives guys a pre-conceived idea that you are interested and if you are not it will back fire ha! so there must be a balance.
2) In terms of ‘girls making the first move’ i guess it can be refreshing if they do but it all depends on the manner in which they carry it out … if they are smart they will do it in a way where the guy doesn’t even realise what they are doing and so it seems as if the guy has made the first move when In fact the women knew what was going on all along (though be warned some guys are slow at reading signals lol!). It is the male instinct to chase and the female instinct to be chased…look at a pack of lions sometimes the lion must work for the lioness (thanks David Attenborough lol) but girls make it too hard and the lion gives up (some days its just to hot and we get tired haaa!)On the other hand I’ve seen some of those ‘hoochie mamas’ making a move for a guy and you can probably guess the outcome….1 of 2 – if the guy is desperate she goes home with him, if he has some sense then she gets rejected (in a nice way of course haaa!) and yes girls I don’t think you would be able to take some of the attitude you dish out to some guys haaa! But on the other hand the way some guys approach girls they deserve it!
3) Power struggle… when a relationship starts with a power struggle (who is chasing who / who is making more of an effort) in most cases it will end badly as one person (the person relishing in the dominating position) will always feel like the other person (usually the person making all the effort) should be acting a certain way and then when they stop making such an effort – don’t do the things they used to do the turbulence begins and unless things change dramatically there is only one way that relationship is going! The power can also shift between the couple and this is when real fireworks begin! Relationships can work where the girl makes the first move… if the girl makes the first move this must be countered with the guy doing something special for the girl – you know you girls just want to be made to feel special haaa! At the end of the day it is about being mature, knowing what you want and expressing it (girls you know how we guys can be… sometimes we need help to get in touch with our emotions lol!) and if you’re not getting the same back MOVE ON! (The longer you wait to see if things change the harder you make it for yourself). It is about striking a balance and both the male and female being on equal terms
Gee
April 5, 2011
I do agree that the guy should always make the first move, the girl can help by being approachable!
I am very CSI-like in giving my number to random people as ‘crazy’ may not always show at first glance, so I do find it hard to give my phone number to everyone that asks for it…
@George.. what’s up with the ‘ha’? LOL!
One Broken Rose
April 7, 2011
Rules…rules are boring but for some people its a code they live by. What happened to people simply going with the flow and seeing what happens. People forget that if they live by what other people suggest, they aren’t really living their own lives.
So what if you walk up to the guy? What if he was too shy to come to you. What if he turns out to be a player? What if you are the player and he is the prey?
I saw this somewhere “if you’re going to write a book on your life, make sure you’re holding the pen”.
So I say, life is a gift…for those who choose to live. Live…Love…Learn